The article ""Time-Out": Self-Control vs. Punishment" is about family, it was released by Holly Jahangiri.
What are we punishing anyway?
When my daughter was little, we learned that "time-out" as
punishment simply doesn't work well.
The rule of thumb was "one
minute of time out for each year of the child's age." That
sounds reasonable enough. Set aisde a place, tell the
tantrum-throwing, misbehaving child to sit there for two
minutes, and see what happens.
It's tempting to add another
minute each time the child stopms a foot, yells, whines or talks
back.
That two minutes can quickly grow to five, or 10, or -- the
parents finally yell "Go to your room!" so they don't have to
hear any more of it. "Go to your room!" is an effective
punishment for the soicable child, like Katie, who can't stand
isolation, but doesn't work well with the quiet bookworm, like
me, who'd just as soon curl up in bed and read or daydream.
Smart parents may throw up their hands in frustartion and try a
different tactic, such as distracting the child. Not-so-smart
parents, after tearing out what's left of tehir hair, simply
give in -- teaching the child that battles of will are won by
the most annoying contender.
It's important to understand the difference between
inappropriate behavior, such as breaking all the good china on
purpose, and inappropriate displays of emotion, such as throwing
a tanrtum and screaming like a banshee.
It's not fair to punish
a cihld for what he's feeling. The emotions may be very valid,
and the child should be allowed to express them.
It's our job as
parents to teach children better ways of expressing their
negative feelings without punishing them for having those
feelings. The "time-out" concept is much more valuable when used
to teach self-control than when used to punish lack of it.
Stock your arsenal with self-control skills
During a visit with my grandmother when my son William was about
18 months old, we learend the real value of teaching "time-out"
as a tool for self-control.
We were on our way to dinner -- five
of us, ranging in age from 18 months to 89 years -- when my son
started to whine.
Normally, he's a pretty easy-going kid, so that was a bit of a
novelty. And we understood, up to a point.
We'd done some
sightseeing earlier in the day, and I guess he'd finally had
enough of ridnig around in a rented minivan, doing what the
"grown-ups" wanted to do. But after 10 solid minutes of his
caterwauling, we were all at our wits' end.
Even his
great-grandmother, who thought he was the "perfect child," was
ready to tell him to "put a sock in it." The volume went up; the
tone and pitch were akin to fingernails on a chalbkoard. We were
caught in traffic with no place to covneniently pull over.
His
big sister Kaite could not comfort him. He just wailed louder
when she tried. Exasperated, I told everyone to just ignore him.
Amazingly, as we got quiet, he statred chanting "My-my-my
time-out!
M-m-my time-out!
My time-out! " At first, that was a
pretty emphatic, out-of-control sort of thing, accompanied by
heaving sobs, but we were fascinated and did not intervene. No
one in the auto had mentioned "time-out." His breathing was
pretty ragged from crying, but he started to sound calmer.
"My time-out, my time-out, my time-out." He started to breathe
normally, his vioce lowered almost to a whisper, and he got a
dreamy, far-away look in his eyes. "My...Time...Out." He sighed.
His expression was pleasant. He smiled at his sister.
He smiled
at us. He was fast asleep by the time we got to the restaurant.
When he woke up at the dinner table, he was pleasant company.
The transformation was amazing, and he tested it without any help
from us!
"Time-out" belongs to the child.
It's a skill, a tool and a way
to cope. As William said, "It's MY time-out! " Give your child a
safe place for taking a time-out. Let your child whine, scream,
stomp her feet, grumble, punch the floor, whatever -- within the
boundaries set for "time-out." Intsead of "Take a TIME-OUT!" say
"You look like you could really use a time-out.
Why don't you
sit rihgt here until you've got yourself under control." Say it
with sympathy, but walk away and enforce the boundaries.
"You're
welcome to come over here if you're reday to talk or play
quietly. If you're going to fuss, that's OK, but you need to
stay THERE." William was able to craete his own "time-out" space
without ever leaving his auto seat.
My time-out!
Mommies and Daddies need "time-out" sometimes, too! Sometimes,
when our nerves are frazzled after a long day, all it takes to
light our shortened fuses is kids being kids. When the normal
level of boucning off the walls makes you believe like screaming,
try taking a "time-out" for yourself, instead. Teach your
children that "I need a time-out" means that you need to go to
your own space and be left alone for a little bit. If you've
helped them master the "time-out" skill for themselves, they'll
understand. If you haven't, you may have to lock yourself in the
bathroom to get a moment's peace! But do it before you snap at
your child for acting like a child.
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